Reflections on Grief

I've been thinking off and on about writing about the miscarriage. I have some writing for myself that I did a few weeks ago where I described the experience of the miscarriage, but right now I am stuck on the emotional stuff. I struggle with the appropriateness of publishing my thoughts and feelings on such a public forum, for people who may not have even known about the previous pregnancy to have a glimpse into me that exposes something so personal, so raw. But then, I think - dammit, people don't talk about this stuff and why should I stay quiet and hide the process that happens when someone loses a baby?

So many women suffer silently after the loss of a pregnancy because people just don't know what to say, or because of our own desire to minimize the experience with rationalizations such as "at least I know I can get pregnant" or "there was probably something wrong with the baby anyways". And I get both of those statements. I remember feeling such a sense of relief just knowing that I could get pregnant. I also know that indeed, many pregnancy losses, especially early ones, are due to chromosomal abnormality. I get it. It just doesn't make the grief part any easier.

I find that I am angered and saddened by the inevitable notion that I have lost all innocence when it comes to trying to conceive and coping with a subsequent pregnancy.

It has been nearly 5 months since the miscarriage. September 7 will be month 5. I usually don't play the game of "I would be x months along right now", but it seems that as I near my due date of November 4, those thoughts crop up more and more frequently. Consequently, as the date looms closer, I notice a near sense of panic, thinking that the passing of that day will be made so much easier if only I were pregnant again. I know I am just fooling myself. It is just another desperate attempt to put a band aid on a wound that more so resembles a stage four bedsore.

From my work with hospice, I know that grief is not something that goes away, or something that I work through to "get over", so it doesn't surprise me too much that my grief has once again reared its head as Mike & I begin to hope and dream about starting a family.

I just wish that I could recapture that innocence and erase this experience from my heart, mind and soul. Shortly after the miscarriage I bought myself a piece of memorial jewelry. On days like today, when my heart beats heavy in my chest I wear it and it brings me comfort. It doesn't restore my innocence, but feeling it rest again my skin brings a sense of comfort that anchors me when every other part of me aches and howls for all that was lost on April 7.