Sunday, August 31, 2008

Reflections on Grief

I've been thinking off and on about writing about the miscarriage. I have some writing for myself that I did a few weeks ago where I described the experience of the miscarriage, but right now I am stuck on the emotional stuff. I struggle with the appropriateness of publishing my thoughts and feelings on such a public forum, for people who may not have even known about the previous pregnancy to have a glimpse into me that exposes something so personal, so raw. But then, I think - dammit, people don't talk about this stuff and why should I stay quiet and hide the process that happens when someone loses a baby?

So many women suffer silently after the loss of a pregnancy because people just don't know what to say, or because of our own desire to minimize the experience with rationalizations such as "at least I know I can get pregnant" or "there was probably something wrong with the baby anyways". And I get both of those statements. I remember feeling such a sense of relief just knowing that I could get pregnant. I also know that indeed, many pregnancy losses, especially early ones, are due to chromosomal abnormality. I get it. It just doesn't make the grief part any easier.

I find that I am angered and saddened by the inevitable notion that I have lost all innocence when it comes to trying to conceive and coping with a subsequent pregnancy.

It has been nearly 5 months since the miscarriage. September 7 will be month 5. I usually don't play the game of "I would be x months along right now", but it seems that as I near my due date of November 4, those thoughts crop up more and more frequently. Consequently, as the date looms closer, I notice a near sense of panic, thinking that the passing of that day will be made so much easier if only I were pregnant again. I know I am just fooling myself. It is just another desperate attempt to put a band aid on a wound that more so resembles a stage four bedsore.

From my work with hospice, I know that grief is not something that goes away, or something that I work through to "get over", so it doesn't surprise me too much that my grief has once again reared its head as Mike & I begin to hope and dream about starting a family.

I just wish that I could recapture that innocence and erase this experience from my heart, mind and soul. Shortly after the miscarriage I bought myself a piece of memorial jewelry. On days like today, when my heart beats heavy in my chest I wear it and it brings me comfort. It doesn't restore my innocence, but feeling it rest again my skin brings a sense of comfort that anchors me when every other part of me aches and howls for all that was lost on April 7.

5 comments:

epoophoron said...

Tracy,

What a beautiful and poignant piece of writing. Thank you so much for sharing it - I know what strength it took. My heart goes out to you.

-Michael

Tracy said...

Thanks Michael, I've been thinking about you guys a lot - hope you are all holding up okay!

KonaDogBlog said...

Tracy,
It IS hard to share on such a public forum as you said. But I think it is healing as well. I have not lost a child in the same way, but your post inspired me to write...thanks!
Jen

Anonymous said...

Aww, Tracy, this rings so true to me. I have tears in my eyes. Miscarriage is a true loss, to be grieved properly. I will never forget the pregnancy we lost, nor will I forget yours. Sending you a big virtual hug and soft tissues.

Just Jon said...

Tracy -

Thank you for sharing this powerful entry! I believe writing can help to heal and help to gain understanding. And maybe that healing and understanding is for someone else who stumbles upon your words.

Thank you

Jon