Reflections on Grief

I've been thinking off and on about writing about the miscarriage. I have some writing for myself that I did a few weeks ago where I described the experience of the miscarriage, but right now I am stuck on the emotional stuff. I struggle with the appropriateness of publishing my thoughts and feelings on such a public forum, for people who may not have even known about the previous pregnancy to have a glimpse into me that exposes something so personal, so raw. But then, I think - dammit, people don't talk about this stuff and why should I stay quiet and hide the process that happens when someone loses a baby?

So many women suffer silently after the loss of a pregnancy because people just don't know what to say, or because of our own desire to minimize the experience with rationalizations such as "at least I know I can get pregnant" or "there was probably something wrong with the baby anyways". And I get both of those statements. I remember feeling such a sense of relief just knowing that I could get pregnant. I also know that indeed, many pregnancy losses, especially early ones, are due to chromosomal abnormality. I get it. It just doesn't make the grief part any easier.

I find that I am angered and saddened by the inevitable notion that I have lost all innocence when it comes to trying to conceive and coping with a subsequent pregnancy.

It has been nearly 5 months since the miscarriage. September 7 will be month 5. I usually don't play the game of "I would be x months along right now", but it seems that as I near my due date of November 4, those thoughts crop up more and more frequently. Consequently, as the date looms closer, I notice a near sense of panic, thinking that the passing of that day will be made so much easier if only I were pregnant again. I know I am just fooling myself. It is just another desperate attempt to put a band aid on a wound that more so resembles a stage four bedsore.

From my work with hospice, I know that grief is not something that goes away, or something that I work through to "get over", so it doesn't surprise me too much that my grief has once again reared its head as Mike & I begin to hope and dream about starting a family.

I just wish that I could recapture that innocence and erase this experience from my heart, mind and soul. Shortly after the miscarriage I bought myself a piece of memorial jewelry. On days like today, when my heart beats heavy in my chest I wear it and it brings me comfort. It doesn't restore my innocence, but feeling it rest again my skin brings a sense of comfort that anchors me when every other part of me aches and howls for all that was lost on April 7.

Aww yeah, bay-bee

Project Runway starts in 4 minutes. I just want to throw a picture up from the weekend. I have a ton of pics from the festival and more from the visit from Jenn, Doug, Penelope, Helen, Troy and Carl, but here is one of my favs from the weekend. I got so much baby and good friend lovin' over the weekend!

Festivals & Good Friends

Well, it has yet again been another busy week. I cannot believe that I am writing this post and it is already Friday! Where did the week go?? I must be honest with you and tell you that it is 10:30 in the morning and as I write this I am still in my pajamas. What??????? Yes, the true hallmark of a day off, pajamas well past 7am. As I write this, Mike is in the front room on Youtube, watching a bunch of old rap videos from the '90s. When we woke up this morning (at 9am!) he loudly declared that the only way to start a 4-day weekend (we both have Monday off, too) would be to listen to the Humpty Dance. So, that is what started it all today, the Humpty Dance. Now he is listening to Radiohead. Which brings me to the next topic: Radiohead!!!!!!

A few months ago, as I was searching around for good ideas for a first anniversary present, I began to search upcoming concerts and festivals. I stumbled across the Outside Lands festival, and was sold! You can check out the friggin' awesome lineup here. Really, don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

I ended up buying us tickets for Friday and Saturday. I also got us a hotel room for both nights. This was quickly turning into a pricey anniversary present. Having at least some foresight for protecting my financial well-being, I decided that this would have to cover both anniversary and birthday this year. Done and done.

Tonight I am most excited about Radiohead, Beck, and Manu Chao. Tomorrow's favorites are Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, Primus, Cafe Tacuba, Cake, and Quartet featuring Bela Fleck. Sunday's lineup looks pretty rockin' too, but alas, I have to exhibit some self control. We come home on Sunday morning.

Which leads me to part two of the awesomeness of my four-day weekend: College Reunion 2008. Oh yea, bay-bee. We have a bunch of friends coming to town on Sunday from Fresno, Portland, and Mountain View (just up the peninsula from us). Sunday will be a reunion of sorts, with a group of good friends from back in the UCSC days getting together - this time we are all married and some of us even have little ones! Good times are hoped to be had by all.

Oh, and on a random note, I accepted a new position at work. I will still be doing psychiatric social work, only now I will be working with a team who specialize in treating women with addiction problems. The women in this program are either pregnant or have recently had a child and are trying to clean up their lives. I start on Sept 8. I have a lot to do in the next couple of weeks to close things out for my current job, so time will fly as we move into September. I will try and post with updates, so stay tuned!

A well-knit story

This week has been busy, and I am surprised to find that here we are, almost at the weekend! I attribute the rapid pace of the week to both a lot of work at the office and a lot of commitments in the evenings. Even though these evening commitments mean a lot of running around during peak traffic times in the Silicon Valley, I really don't mind them. They are part of my self-care routine and provide my mind, body, and soul with nourishment. Tonight, I jump back into the Sophomore knitting class that I took regularly before we bought the house. I take it at my favorite LYS. I love this class because I can bring any project that I am working on and get help, learn new mad knitting skills, and socialize with some really great women. Not to mention the yarn. Oh dear! I could spend a lot of time and a lot of money in this place. Such pretty fibers and so many exciting projects, often way beyond my skill level! Oh, and I get a 10% discount on any supplies for a project that I work on while taking the class. Could you ask for anything more? This is one of the projects that I currently have going. I have one other big project going and another big project lined up. I am not going to divulge any of the details, because these hopefully will be gifts, if they turn out okay.

Since I began knitting, I completed only one project that I gave as a gift. I made a baby blanket for my sweet Penelope's Naming and Dedication Ceremony back in March. Let me tell you, one of the reasons that Jenn (P's mama) is such an amazing friend is that she accepted that gift with all the grace in the world. Sorry Jenn and P, but that blanket brings such shame to the world of knitting!

I chose this fuzzy, feathery, ultra soft yarn to knit with, and about every 6-8 inches I knit both the fuzzy yarn and a dingle-berry type yarn together for a few rows. Well, let me tell you what. Even though the pattern was straight forward knit stitch all the way through, that yarn was ridiculous to work with. It was my first time working with a novelty yarn and because of all the fuzzy feathery goodness, I kept adding and dropping stitches. I was going cross-eyed trying to keep track of the stitches! I persevered, and finished the blanket.



It was beautiful, really. I was so pleased with myself that I had made it through and it actually looked a notch above decent (albeit a tad bit more trapezoidal than rectangular). And then I washed it. Swiss cheese, anyone? Three or four holes popped up where I had dropped stitches, one of which was at least three inches in diameter. Okay, now what? I decided that I could stitch the holes closed, since the yarn was so fuzzy you wouldn't even know the difference, right? Exactly. It worked like a charm. The only thing is, the blanket completely lost its shape when I washed it. At that time, I hadn't learned about how to block a pattern yet. I knew what blocking was, but for some reason it didn't even occur to me that this would be one of those situations where blocking is a must. So, there I was with a periwinkle animal pelt. Seriously, it looked like something that you'd throw down in front of a very wee fireplace, to lay on in the coldest days of winter and bask in its warmth and fuzziness. Well, if you are an infant under 15 lbs, that is. I decided to still give it to Penelope, though. I had to give it, if only to tell a good story and get a good laugh out of my learning process. More so, though, I wanted to give it to her because it was truly a labor of love. I had the privilege of being present when that darling girl came into this world and I wanted to create a little something special for her. In retrospect, I also like the idea that the blanket, just like life and love, is imperfect. Perfection isn't a reality, and life sure as hell isn't perfect. Sometimes, despite our best laid plans, things just don't turn out the way we expect them to. The love is still there, as is the intention, and that is what counts. So, to those of you who receive a knitted gift from me, please keep that in mind. :)

What does your latte say?

So, being that I like to kill time right before lunch, in that window between starving and heading out to grab a bite to eat, I found this quiz. I guess I am pretty serious and uptight. :) I am sure you are just about dying to know what kind of latte I drink. Non-fat, decaf, no foam, sometimes iced. Depends on the weather.

What Your Latte Says About You

You don't treat yourself very often. You find that indulging doesn't jibe with your very disciplined life. You are a very serious person. You don't have time for silly antics. You have a good deal of energy, but you pace yourself. You never burn out too fast. You have a healthy relationship with caffeine. You're definitely not dependent on it. You are a child at heart, and you don't ever miss the opportunity to do something playful. You are complex and philosophical, but you are never arrogant.

What Does Your Latte Say About You?

I thought for sure this time he'd catch it.

He's been training for years, even after the partial tail amputation of '03. He's been a model to all cats of less than ideal tail length. Alas, it just isn't in the cards for him to catch that sneaky tail. But shhhhh, Chai doesn't need to know that.

Pulling weeds!

Okay, here is the video of us (and by us, I mean Mike) pulling up one of the plants on the side of the driveway:

Wednesday Check-in

We are still here, alive and kicking. I've been wanting to post for the past few days, but have been pretty wiped out. I think that the move and all the work getting ready for the party two weekends ago has finally caught up with me. It has been difficult to get up in the morning and I find that my motivation levels are really almost non-existent in the evenings. I am just a blob on the couch, waiting for bedtime.

This last weekend we worked a little bit on the outside of the house, mainly the front yard. At some point a previous owner planted a bunch of boxwood shrubs to line the front walk. I imagine that when they were green and lush, the walkway looked quite nice and manicured. Unfortunately, during the time that the home sat empty after it foreclosed, the landscape suffered. The roses are pretty drought tolerant but the boxwoods, not so much. So we had all these little dried up, pathetic plants lining our front walk. Mike pulled them out this weekend while I weeded both front beds. So now we have roses and dirt, along with the lawns. Mike also pulled out a lot of the landscaping that lined the right side of the driveway, beneath the maples that we just had trimmed. There were just too many plants squished into such a small area and it was so overgrown that I could barely get in and out of the car on that side of the driveway.

We were pleasantly surprised that a previous owner had invested in three large, beautiful stones (mini boulders?) that surround the base of one of the maples. Eventually we plan to do the same around the other maple, and who knows, maybe the two on the left side of the front yard as well. We are eager to have a blank canvas to work with, so to speak.

Apart from gardening, Mike and I saw a couple of movies last weekend. On Friday night we went and saw Mama Mia! OH. MY. GOD. That is quite possibly my new favorite movie! It was a lot of fun; I am sure that isn't the last time I've seen that film. On Saturday we went and saw The Dark Knight with Mike's mom. That was also a great film. I just love the summer movie season! After the movie we returned to Mike's mom's house for dinner, where we got to hang out with Amber and JJ, Mike's younger brother and his wife. Amber is expecting her first child in December, so it is always fun to hear about the pregnancy and how everything is developing.

The next project on deck for the house is the crown molding in the guest bedroom. That room is coming together nicely. We bought a new bed for the master bedroom (king size, baby) and moved our queen into the spare room. No longer do our guests have to suffer through a night of leaky aero bed when they come to visit! We also moved a dresser into that room. The color of the wall (green) is my absolute favorite. If that room had a bathroom attached, I'd prefer to use it as the master. But it doesn't, and the master bath really kicks ass, so we make compromises. So, Mike started measuring the guest room and marking the studs to prepare for the molding. He still has to cut it and then I will paint it. We are hoping to get it installed this coming weekend.



Mike and I have a busy August ahead of us! We have trips planned and visitors coming, including our dear friends from Portland: Helen, Troy and their baby Carl, our dear friend from Fresno: Jenn, Doug & their little girl Penelope, and my dear sister from San Diego! Whew! Rumor has it that my parents might also try and come visit before my dad starts back at school!

I have some photos, and even maybe a video to post if I can figure out how to link it in! Stay tuned!