So, I wrote this crazy long post the other day about sleep, and trying to be consistent with the parenting decisions that we make with Evelyn, and within a few hours of writing the post I completely changed my mind about what we were doing with sleep stuff I had written about and deleted it. I just felt like a hypocrite.
I am baffled by how stumped and challenged I am by sleep. I think that adjusting to the sleep patterns of an infant may be one of the more challenging aspects of parenthood. At least it is in this house. So far, teething has been okay, and thankfully colic was not an issue for us. Breastfeeding was challenging, and still is, but the foundation of my sanity is sleep - so if sleep is not to be had, I am a wreck.
The last few nights have been hard. Evie went from being up 1-2 times a night, to waking 3-4 times a night. I don't know if it is growth spurt, or maybe that we have tried making some changes with the swaddle, or if she is outgrowing the pacifier, or maybe the room was too cold? I am really not sure. I also wonder if she is reverse cycling, which is when she takes in more of her calories at night than during the day. She is so active and busy and has so many very important things to do during the day that she has a hard time slowing down to eat. She pops off my breast at any sound or even movement and has to see what is so fascinating right that instant. So, at night there is less stimuli, which means for better eating, right? Who knows.
Anyway, I find that I think about her sleep ALL THE TIME. I mean, I don't know how many times throughout the day I say to Mike, "you know, the other thing about her sleep . . . ". I am beginning to bore myself with how much I think about it. Is this just another exercise in letting go? Who knows.
Changing topics, now. As I mentioned breastfeeding above, it occurred to me that I've noticed that in the past few days that our breastfeeding relationship is changing. It is pretty cool to see how this little girl is starting to play a very active role when she eats. Before, it was all about me helping her latch on and getting the positioning right. Now, she pops off and smiles at me. She pulls off and looks around, sighs a little contented sigh, and then turns back to the breast, ready for more. She cups my breast with her little hands, drinking in the goodness of the milk. It just melts my heart over and over again.
Which brings me to another topic: Love. I mentioned to Mike that before Evie, I felt that I had experienced love. I fell deeply in love with my husband. I know the love of friendship. I cherish the love I feel towards my family, and Mike's family. And then Evie came along and my big heart, that I truly thought couldn't get any bigger, swelled to about 100x its previous size. I mean, I am blown away by this experience. It is truly amazing. This is a new adventure, this love for a child. Sigh . . .
4 comments:
Tracy,
Yup to ALL that.
Sleep and thinking about sleep and worried about not getting enough sleep was my entire world. And you just never know what the problem is! And it just keeps changing! That's why it's great when they can talk.
And the love thing is right on. It's that built-in maternal thingy which enables us to survive as a species. Otherwise, we would leave these little self-centered soul-sucking vampires on the side of the road somewhere.
I am obsessed with Gwen's sleep too (also her poop- but that is another post I suppose). I want to say it gets better, but so far my experience is you get used to being woken up numerous times at night (and if you aren't woken up you wake up anyways and lay there wondering what worked, or when she will wake up- usually right after you fall back asleep). And you get excited when you have 4 consecutive hours in your own bed without baby. It is a good thing they are cute, cuddly, and lovable.
Tracy,
I have to say I'm going through all the things you posted about, so I feel your exhaustion.
I also started crying (& LEAKING) as I read the part about love. You put it so eloquently!
Tracy, I feel exactly the same way, about all of it. I feel like you took the words right out of my head! :) My eyes welled up at your description of your love for Evie.
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